We’ve all seen the headlines. “AI Will Replace 40% of Jobs by 2030.” “Chatbots Outperform Humans at Customer Service.” “Robots Write Better Poems Than Your Uncle Keith.” Well, I for one am unfazed. Not because I’m particularly clever—but because I’ve reached a uniquely British career milestone: being both indispensable and baffling at the same time.
How could AI replace someone who doesn’t fully understand Excel but knows where the secret biscuit stash is hidden in the office? Exactly.
The Glorious Grey Zone of Competence
I operate in what I call the “Useful-Useless Venn Diagram.” I know just enough about Microsoft Teams to change my background to Blackpool Pleasure Beach, but not enough to ever get my microphone working on the first try.
AI runs on logic. I run on caffeine, guesswork, and a suspiciously long lunch break. It can generate reports in seconds, sure, but can it produce a pie chart that is so utterly vague that it becomes art? Didn’t think so.
Sales Patter Is Not Replicable
Let’s not forget I work in sales, where most of my job involves persuading people to buy things, and the rest is remembering who takes sugar in their tea. I once closed a major deal using only a Gregg’s sausage roll and a badly timed dad joke. AI could never. It doesn’t understand the delicate negotiation tactics involved in choosing between hobnobs and digestives for client meetings.
Try coding in the ability to casually moan about Southern Rail while slipping in a product upsell. That’s not machine learning—that’s a lifelong apprenticeship in passive-aggression.
Let’s Talk About The Printer
If AI wants my job, it’ll have to wrestle with the real beast of the workplace: the communal printer. That blinking, paper-chewing menace has traumatised more office workers than Trump’s tariffs. I am the only person who can get it working by thumping it gently with a hammer.
AI doesn’t stand a chance. It would short-circuit at the mere suggestion of a duplex print.
The Dog’s Take on AI
My dog, who insists on being involved in every Zoom call like some furry, underqualified consultant, has met Alexa. Didn’t like her. Growled when she mispronounced “scone.” He knows something we don’t.
The Things AI Still Can’t Do
- Nod seriously while wildly Googling jargon mid-meeting.
- Write an “urgent” email that’s passive-aggressive enough to qualify as a minor war crime.
- Detect the correct moment to loudly sigh in an open-plan office.
- Handle Office Bake Off drama without escalation.
- Steal Wi-Fi from the neighbours when BT lets you down.
Waffle Is a Skill
So no, I’m not worried. AI might be clever, but it doesn’t know that Denise from accounts needs a wink before she’ll answer or action your emails. It doesn’t understand that nodding and saying “interesting” three times is the key to surviving any strategy session.
I may not be productive. I may not be efficient. But I am a presence. And sometimes, that’s more than enough.
Go forth, send a slightly cryptic calendar invite, and rest easy knowing your job is safe—as long as the printer isn’t.
